It has been a long time since I last wrote in here.
Au-pairing in Germany is over.
The experience of parenthood was awesome.
Now I know a lot more about what means to be a couple and to have children.
I miss them all very much. And every time I see kids their ages, I remember them and smile. They are part of my past, part of me. With friends its the same thing. I miss everybody so much.
I remember before doing this gap year, to feel saudades, and to think that it hurted a lot. Shit, that was a broken nail in comparison with the heart that is being pulled away from me every heartbeat that I'm away from them.
A couple of days ago, while showering, I became to know that one day, when I'm old, and everybody is gone, I'm going, literally, die from saudades. And it hurts hurts hurts. And I cry cry cry, remembering everybody in Friedrichshafen.
I know that, that is life, that is how it works, how it is, nothing can be done.
You learn, you teach, you share and you miss.
And when you miss, it hurts.
And because of all that hurting, coming not only from all these saudades, I've been keeping myself occupied, but it is not easy not to think.
One of those days, Jesse told me "...but I've been feeling... emotionally confused somehow. Shades and glimpses of different feelings that I have trouble giving names to..."
In my case, I can name a few. Saudade. Inveja. Tristeza. Confusão.
I even started to have those paraphernalia of thoughts that I used to have. Depression knocking on the door, and my saying "la la la, I can't hear you".
sábado, 13 de outubro de 2012