To half of my ex's

Updates out of date

Long time no see! 

One Master, one celebratory tattoo, an academic carreer on its beginnings and almost two years later I am back just to say: I FUCKIN' DID IT! ALL ON MY OWN! *drop the mic*

Lecturer

Officially a university lecturer :)
I wouldn't ever think one day I would be doing such a thing.

Memories

Revisiting old broken heart songs/bands... Oh the tears and pain...

My Dying Bride, Antimatter, Anathema, Nine Inch Nails, A Perfect Circle, Tool, Ashram, Ulver, Dead Can Dance, Agalloch...

Neil Young - Old Man

Old man look at my life,

I'm a lot like you were.

Old man look at my life,

I'm a lot like you were.

Old man look at my life,

Twenty four

and there's so much more

Live alone in a paradise

That makes me think of two.

Love lost, such a cost,

Give me things

that don't get lost.

Like a coin that won't get tossed

Rolling home to you.

Old man take a look at my life

I'm a lot like you

I need someone to love me

the whole day through

Ah, one look in my eyes

and you can tell that's true.

Lullabies, look in your eyes,

Run around the same old town.

Doesn't mean that much to me

To mean that much to you.

I've been first and last

Look at how the time goes past.

But I'm all alone at last.

Rolling home to you.

Old man take a look at my life

I'm a lot like you

I need someone to love me

the whole day through

Ah, one look in my eyes

and you can tell that's true.

Old man look at my life,

I'm a lot like you were.

Old man look at my life,

I'm a lot like you were.

Prince - Controversy

I just can't believe

All the things people say, controversy

Am I black or white?

Am I straight or gay? Controversy

Do I believe in God?

Do I believe in me?

Controversy, controversy

Controversy

I can't understand

Human curiosity, controversy

Was it good for you?

Was I what you wanted me to be?

Controversy

Do you get high?

Does your daddy cry?

Controversy, controversy

Controversy

Do I believe in God?

Do I believe in me?

Some people wanna die

So they can be free

I said life is just a game

We're all just the same

Do you wanna play?

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Controversy, controversy

Controversy, controversy

Controversy, controversy

Our Father, who art in Heaven

Hallowed be thy name

Thy kingdom come

Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven

Give us this day our daily bread

And forgive us our trespasses

As we forgive those

Who trespass against us

Lead us not into temptation

But deliver us from evil

For thine is the kingdom and the power

And the glory forever and ever

Controversy, controversy

Controversy, controversy

Love Him, love Him baby

Controversy, controversy

Controversy, controversy

Controversy, controversy

Listen, people call me rude

I wish we all were nude

I wish there was no black and white

I wish there were no rules

People call me rude

I wish we were all nude

I wish there was no black and white

I wish there were no rules

People call me rude

(People call me rude)

I wish we were all nude

(I wish we were all nude)

I wish there was no black and white

(I wish there was no black and white)

I wish there were no rules

(I wish there were no rules)

People call me rude

(People call me rude)

I wish we were all nude

(I wish we were all nude)

I wish there was no black and white

(I wish there was no black and white)

I wish there were no rules

(I wish there were no rules)

Controversy, controversy

Do I believe in God?

Do I believe in me?

Let me tell ya

Some people wanna die

So they can be free

I said life is just a game

We're all just the same

Don't ya wanna play?

Controversy, controversy

Controversy, controversy

Boarding passages

A question that always assaults me his 'why do people queue up when boarding?'.

We all have our seats assigned, we are all going to board the same plane, leave at the same time and land at the same time. I do no understand the rush.

If you have a small child or children with you, I sort of see the point, the plain his not packed with people on the corridor yet, so you have a bit more of space to seat all your children calmly and answer to all their requests (water, games, books, ipads, food, etc.).

But if you are a grown adult with full command over your sights, than why would you stand in a line for half an hour or more for no benefit at all?

As I am right now waiting to board my flight, there are very little people that stay out of the line and just chill on the waiting area.

Boarding has started, but I don't see the point in rushing. 

Pear preasure?

Purging

So, as any good OCD person, when your ''parents'' tell you to put the bin out and fill it up with any crap you can find, you don't just through away the broken plate or the mug with no handle. You actually just empty the shed, and start going through the shelves, cupboards, pantries, attic, cars, garden, and everything else.
After 5hs, you feel like you purged a hole shit of crap and that you deserve a medal that reads ''House organizer 5*''.
In the meantime, you also did the dishes (two loads), the laundry (wash, dry, pick, iron and put away), clean up all the machines filters, and made pancakes.
Yet, the ''oh thanks'' or ''that's lovely'' never comes.
And that is what is most annoying about being OCD. Is having a ton of work to do, but getting side tracked with shit that doesn't even matters to anyone else but you.
And the same questions keep popping in my head ''Why? But why?''
''Why has that mug been sitting in the garden for 3 days now? Why is there an empty cereal box in the cupboard? Why would someone leave 0.5cm of milk at the end of the jug? Why can't they do the 10cm that separat de sink from the dishwasher? Why can they understand that each self on the fridge has its purpose?''


Why fills my head...
And the worst, is knowing that you are the only one that can see it and get annoyed by it...
WHY DO I CARE SO MUCH ABOUT THIS SHIT?

Wording!

With this much typing, by now, I am a master at the art of WORDing. Should start giving ''How to use Word on Macs'' lectures...
Footer, header, automatic table of contents, automatic citations and references, section breaks, page breaks, tables, review,  and the fucking numbering!

William Onyeabor - Fantastic Man

Ask your kids

1. What made you smile today?
2. Can you tell me an example of kindness you saw/showed? 
3. Was there an example of unkindness? How did you respond?
4. Does everyone have a friend at recess?
5. What was the book about that your teacher read?
6. What’s the word of the week?
7. Did anyone do anything silly to make you laugh?
8. Did anyone cry?
9. What did you do that was creative?
10. What is the most popular game at recess?
11. What was the best thing that happened today?
12. Did you help anyone today?
13. Did you tell anyone “thank you?”
14. Who did you sit with at lunch?
15. What made you laugh?
16. Did you learn something you didn’t understand?
17. Who inspired you today?
18. What was the peak and the pit?
19. What was your least favorite part of the day?
20. Was anyone in your class gone today?
21. Did you ever feel unsafe?
22. What is something you heard that surprised you?
23. What is something you saw that made you think?
24. Who did you play with today?
25. Tell me something you know today that you didn’t know yesterday.
26. What is something that challenged you?
27. How did someone fill your bucket today? Whose bucket did you fill?
28. Did you like your lunch?
29. Rate your day on a scale from 1-10.
30. Did anyone get in trouble today?
31. How were you brave today?
32. What questions did you ask at school today?
33. Tell us your top two things from the day (before you can be excused from the dinner table!). 
34. What are you looking forward to tomorrow?
35. What are you reading?
36. What was the hardest rule to follow today?
37. Teach me something I don’t know.
38. If you could change one thing about your day, what would it be?
39. (For older kids):  Do you feel prepared for your history test?” or, “Is there anything on your mind that you’d like to talk about?” (In my opinion, the key is not only the way a question is phrased, but responding in a supportive way.)
40. Who did you share your snacks with at lunch?
41. What made your teacher smile? What made her frown?
42. What kind of person were you today?
43. What made you feel happy? 
44. What made you feel proud?
45. What made you feel loved?
46. Did you learn any new words today?
47. What was the hardest rule to follow today?
48. If you could switch seats with anyone in class, who would it be? And why?
49. What is your least favorite part of the school building? And favorite?
50. If you switched places with your teacher tomorrow, what would you teach the class?

Ednaswap - Claustrophobic

New found band obsesch.
Ednaswap from LA 1993.

Denez Prigent & Lisa Gerrard Gortoz A Ran - J'attends

Sleep scheduals

Se o tempo voltasse atrás e eu soubesse o que sei hoje, dormiria mais.

Hogwash

Hoje estou com ranting na ponta dos dedos. Consigo-o sentir fizzy popping dentro de mim.
À medida que crescemos descobrimos muitas coisas acerca de nós próprios, dos outros e do mundo.
Sem querer levantar os suspeitos do costume, mas levantando, há coisas que se desenrolam debaixo da pele, por dentro dos ossos, as quais consigo agora sentir e identificar a causa. E o que não é melhor que o riso que o silêncio?

Posts parvos destes fazem mais falta aqui, para daqui a dez anos os ler e pensar ''que parvo, ah''.

Hot drop

Beautiful Ireland, my second home, how I missed your kindness, humor, chocolate covered raisens, rocky road and hot drops.

Fink - This is the thing

I don't know if you notice anything different

It's getting dark and it's getting cold and the nights are getting long

And I don't know if you even notice at all

That I'm long gone babe I'm long gone

And the things that keep us apart

Keep me alive

And the things that keep me alive

Keep me alone

This is the thing

This is the thing

This is the thing

I don't know if you notice anything missing

Like the leaves on the trees or my clothes all over the floor

And I don't know if you even notice at all

Cause I was real quiet when I closed the door

And the things that keep us apart

Keep me alive

And the things that keep me alive

Keep me alone

This is the thing

This is the thing

This is the thing

And I don't know if you notice anything different

I don't know if you even notice at all

And I don't know if you notice anything missing

This is the thing

This is the thing

This is the thing

This is the thing

This is the thing

Turns

And life takes another turn, but this time, I know where it is going.

Disturbed - Stupify

Yeah, bringing you another disturbing creation

From the mind of one sick animal who can't tell the difference

And gets stupefied

I've been waiting my whole life for just one, fuck

And all I needed was just one, fuck

How can you say that you don't give a, fuck

I find myself stupefied, coming back again

All I wanted was just one, fuck

One tiny little innocent, fuck

And when I feel like I'm shit out of, Luck

I find my stupefied, coming back again

Why, do you like playing around with

My, narrow scope of reality

I, can feel it all start slipping

I think I'm breaking down

And why, do you like playing around with

My, narrow scope of reality

I, can feel it all start slipping away

See but I don't get it

Don't you think maybe we could put it on credit

Don't you think it can take control when I don't let it

I get stupefied

It's all the same you see

Live with it but I don't get it

Don't you think maybe we could put it on credit

Don't you think it can take control when I don't let it

I get stupefied

I get stupefied

All the people in the left wing, fuck

And all the people in the right wing, fuck

And all the people in the underground, fuck

I find myself stupefied, coming back again

All the people in the high rise, fuck

And all the people in the projects, fuck

And all la gente in the bario, fuck

I find myself stupefied, coming back again

Why, do you like playing around with

My, narrow scope of reality

I, can feel it all start slipping

I think I'm breaking down

Why, do you like playing around with

My, narrow scope of reality

I, can feel it all start slipping away

See but I don't get it

Don't you think maybe we could put it on credit

Don't you think it can take control when I don't let it

I get stupefied

It's all the same you see

Live with it but I don't get it

Don't you think maybe we could put it on credit

Don't you think it can take control when I don't let it

I get stupefied

I get stupefied

Tifached

Tifached

And don't deny me

No baby now, don't deny me

And darlin' don't be afraid

Well, I don't get it

Don't you think maybe we could put it on credit

Don't you think it can take control when I don't let it

I get stupefied

Look in my face, stare in my soul

I begin to stupify

Look in my face, stare in my soul

I begin to stupify

Look in my face, stare in my soul

I begin to stupify

Look in my face, stare in my soul

I begin to stupify

Look in my face, step in my soul

Look in my face, step in my soul

Look in my face, step in my soul

Look in my face, step in my soul

Look in my face, step in my soul

Look in my face, stare into my soul

Look in my face, stare into my soul

I begin to stupify, ah

Zebra one, zebra two

Just 'cause the day was going too good, the universe had to balance it by having me getting ran over on a zebra crossing, last tuesday.

Oh life, just making it very interesting.

wait...

There is nothing else to do here but wait... two very long days waiting.

Oncology aisle is just so depressing. I saw what the future might be preparing me for.
At least there is (very slow) wi-fi. Smart me brought a book.

Are ye just calling to have the chats, are ye?

Today, on the job, something amazing happened. I laugh so much I cryed!
I call a place, and a lady answered:
"Hello, my name is Sarah, can I take your account number?
me: "I don't have one."
Sarah: "Could I have your phone number then?"
me: "I don't have one either. I don't have an account with you company."
Sarah: "Oh, are ye calling just to have the chats, are ye?"
Me and Sarah: *ahhahahha* - huge laugh from both ends
Me: "no, sorry Sarah, I'm calling because of X and Y"
Sarah: "Alright, I'll see what I can do for ye"
...
Sarah: "Thank you mam, is there anything else I might help you with?"
Me: "Actually Sarah, you can. Are you Irish?"
Sarah: "*haha* Yes I'm indeed, from Cork County."
Me: "*haha* Oh I knew it Sarah, I recognized the accent, I've lived in Cork myself."
Sarah: "*ahha* Lovely! Is there anything else?"
Me: "No Sarah, thank you, I had a great laugh with you, thank you!"
Sarah: "*ahaha* You are welcome, you made me laugh too!"
Me: "It was loving talking to you, it made my day. Thank you. Have a lovely weekend!"
Sarah: "You too, bye!"

Wanderlust

After all the places I've lived in, after all the adventures I've had, after all the things I've seen, me, where I now, doesn't feels right, doesn't feel like myself. And "+ 24h" has been helping, but wont fix this feeling, this wanderlust.

Life

Buy it, use it, break it, fix it,
Trash it, change it, mail - upgrade it,
Charge it, point it, zoom it, press it,
Snap it, work it, quick - erase it,
Write it, cut it, paste it, save it,
Load it, check it, quick - rewrite it,
Plug it, play it, burn it, rip it,
Drag and drop it, zip - unzip it,
Lock it, fill it, call it, find it,
View it, code it, jam - unlock it,
Surf it, scroll it, pause it, click it,
Cross it, crack it, switch - update it,
Name it, rate it, tune it, print it,
Scan it, send it, fax - rename it,
Touch it, bring it, pay it, watch it,
Turn it, leave it, start - format it.

God Is An Astonaut - Echoes

The Doobies Brothers - It keeps you running

Weeks new band obsech.

Missing the bus

People say that people change when something major happens to them.
I've had many major things hapenning to me, so I've changed many times.
I first came out of a depression that I only recently discovered I was in back in the days. Following that, i was in a very "abnormal" relationship. Then I went to drugs and came back out. Alcohol followed. Then I started getting sick. And I've been sick since, and I'm only starting to accept now. Accepting that my brain chemicals run around in the other side of the roundabout.
Recently I met a new doctor. He ordered me new x-rays, thats followed with a MRI. He then got very pissed because I was also supposed to do a TAC exam but they scheduled it for september. He then after looking at the MRI ordered a TAC and a biopsy to be done within the next 3 weeks.
When I was going to pay, the lady said I didn't have to pay, and I don't know why. I can only think my tumor is at a level that I'm on the cancerous people list, therefore free  of medical charge. ?
Anyways, after that appointment I deciced to do what people don't advice doing and I Googled biopsy videos, and tumor extraction videos. I had a little panic attack walking out of the hospital and watching those videos.
Today I was meant to go home, and I missed the bus for 1min, I not for one second I felt upset for missing it or losing the money.
And I believe this is to do with another change settling in, I can feel it, like the way I don't drink for years, and the way I stopped caring for things that don't matter, i don't stress out with unnecessary things, or how I don't get so upset when something "bad" happens.

Childrenhood

I don't think parents love their children the same way.
Even if they say they love them all the same way, they don't. You never love two beings the same way. And I know that. I've taken care of kids, and I had my favorites... I also know that money doesn't buy love. My kids loved me for what I was, and I never gave them nothing major. They remember me to the day.
On the being the child side, the missplacement of love from your parents realy affects you. The biggest one is having to win all the battles by yourself, and instead of receiving inspiring words, getting negative input to your aspirations.
I had to win many battles that my brother didn't because I already did, and he doesn't even knows, and doesn't appreciates it.
Like, I'm the child my parents relate to when they need serious stuff done, and my brother is the child they relate to when they want to show love and appreciation. That is in no way fair. And it realy makes me get upset with them. And they don't listen to me. I repeat the same stuff over and over and over again, and they still don't respect what I say.

Psychiatric malfunction

Three things about today:Finaly my writters block to write a motivation letter has been unlocked and it was full on speed today!I remembered there are a few song with my name. Whats up with all the songs called Helena? There is even a beautiful blue butterfly called Helena Morpho! Amazing! Tattoo idea!Lastly, I went to a "conference" today and the lady next to me had an about 1 year old baby with her, and, naturaly, babies can't stay still for a long period of time, and this woman, everytime the baby dropped her water bottle or made noise, spanked her by the head.I can not understand in what world a mother bangs her own child in the head, whatever the reason might be, there is no reason to bit up a child, nor anyone.I really want to give her a piece of my mind and tell her "look lady, if you don't know how to treatment them, maybe try not to have them, abortion is legal in our country"And, beside the limited frame of weeks, there is a law that says, and I quote "... em qualquer momento em caso de risco para a grávida ("perigo de morte ou de grave e irreversível lesão para o corpo ou para a saúde física ou psíquica da mulher grávida")..."
Clearly this lady suffers from some sort of psychiatric malfunction, or else she wouldn't spank her child. Everytime a parent spanks his child, should be getting spanked instead.

Selective mutism

So, because I can, I watched a few movies this week, something I haven't done in a long time, because although I am in vacations, I'm really not, and I've been working, working in lots of things, and what has been working the most is my head.
Thinking if it was the right choice.
All I ever wanted was to travel, to live somewhere that is not this place, to move and keep on moving, just staying a few years on each place, but now, I'm 25 and I acepted this job, a job that could be someones dream life job, a job, where you can grow within, a job that will grow with you and take you higher up. But I never wanted this. I never wanted to be a corporate woman. And to turn down such an opportunaty, it just wasn't possible. When will such an opportunaty knock on my door again? Never. But the bigger question is, if it isn't something you want, is it an opportunaty still?

And I wonder, I wonder, Am I doing the right thing?
All I want is to go.
Go. Go somewhere. Go to the future and see where this is bringing me. Go back in time and rethink things.

One of the movies I watched brought me back to a certain time in my life...
Selective mutism is an interesting subject. And I know how it feels. I know the jaw pain of that. Although mine could not be called selective, was more of an indifference mutism.
Somehow, wierd has it can be, I miss it. I miss those feelings.

Dermatillomania

When you only know you are picking because the person you are talking to is looking at your oddly.
:/ ups.

No I amn't

Remembering my beloved Mary Therese:
"No I amn't." *being sassy*
Which in fact, is not wrong! Which in it self it is a very interesting subject!

http://www.worldwidewords.org/qa/qa-amn1.htm

Motherhood and the love/hate relationship with psycology

Is it only me that has problems with my mom? I'm I a rebel, or is it my mother that is on the negative spectrum of bypolar? This can not be normal. I believe I never heard my mother say positive words. I never heard her say "well done" without and irony tone to it. I never heard her say "congratulations on your achievement". I never heard her say "thats really good". And I'm not overrating thing. I'm at the very best under rating it. Today I asked if she is capable of saying positive things, to what she answered "what positive things?"

Histerectomia

A minha mãe acha que usar copo menstrual é mais nojento que usar penso higiénico ou tampão.
Eu penso que o que faz o processo todo ser nojento é o próprio do carmesim escárnio do período a jorrar da vagina de uma mulher todos os mês com absolutamente objetivo nenhum que não o da dor.
Uma coisa que resolvia todo o nojo, seria uma histerectomia

PS: estou a ficar tão melhor a inglês, que tenho de ir procurar a tradução de palavras do inglês para o português porque o meu cérebro não atinge esse nível.

A piada do semestre...

Cenas de episódios anteriores:
Quando pedes a uma prof que sempre foi compreensível, com um mês de antecedência, para fazer a prova oral antes do 1 de Julho porque só tens esse exame para acabar o curso e já encontraste trabalho, e ela te responde "para a próxima veja se está disponível na época designada para exames". Miga, por mim até podia fazer a prova oral antes do exame escrito, quero lá saber.
E tipo, lol, qual próxima vez? Miga, acabou, I'll never see you again mate!
E era o que me faltava negar um emprego porque a universidade decidiu que as aulas acabam em Maio, e os exames são só no fim do mês de Junho... Tipo... Ridículo... Eu não vivo do ar... Não é a universidade que me dá de comer! Sou eu é que lhes pago para me prestarem um serviço, e ainda querem ser ditadores?

A piada do semestre é eu deslocar-me ao gabinete de estágios, pedir o nome do coordenador de estágios, darem-me um nome, enviar um email a esse nome com questões, demorar uma semana a obter uma resposta, e a resposta ser: "Eu sou diretora do curso, mas não coordeno os estágios. Antes de lhe responder a dizer isto mesmo, tentei obter a informação de que precisa, mas não me responderam."

Há lá mais eficiência que esta? Mais uma vez, *palmas* para a FLUC.
Conclusão, devo ter de fazer tudo às três pancadas, mas antes, só mais uma reclamaçãozita...

Enfim, in the meantime, estou no Porto, e vou-me à minha vida. ;)

Slowmows

I've been watching youtube videos in 2x(double) speed, and when I slow it down it just sounds to slow, like I'm listening to a person thats high, it even gives me that the slowmows (you feel everything is in slow motion, sort of like what you get when you are drunk).

ET

I had ET yesterday in the experiment and today in French class... And it felt very embarrasing...

Francis Cabrel - Je l'aime a mourir

Moi je n'étais rien 
Et voilà qu'aujourd'hui 
Je suis le gardien 
Du sommeil de ses nuits 
Je l'aime à mourir 
Vous pouvez détruire 
Tout ce qu'il vous plaira 
Elle n'a qu'à ouvrir 
L'espace de ses bras 
Pour tout reconstruire 
Pour tout reconstruire 
Je l'aime à mourir 

Elle a gommé les chiffres 
Des horloges du quartier 
Elle a fait de ma vie 
Des cocottes en papier 
Des éclats de rire 
Elle a bâti des ponts 
Entre nous et le ciel 
Et nous les traversons 
À chaque fois qu'elle 
Ne veut pas dormir 
Ne veut pas dormir 
Je l'aime à mourir 

Elle a dû faire toutes les guerres 
Pour être si forte aujourd'hui 
Elle a dû faire toutes les guerres 
De la vie 
Et l'amour aussi 

Elle vit de son mieux 
Son rêve d'opaline 
Elle danse au milieu 
Des forêts qu'elle dessine 
Je l'aime à mourir 

Elle porte des rubans 
Qu'elle laisse s'envoler 
Elle me chante souvent 
Que j'ai tort d'essayer 
De les retenir 
De les retenir 
Je l'aime à mourir 

Pour monter dans sa grotte 
Cachée sous les toits 
Je dois clouer des notes 
À mes sabots de bois 
Je l'aime à mourir 
Je dois juste m'asseoir 
Je ne dois pas parler 
Je ne dois rien vouloir 
Je dois juste essayer 
De lui appartenir 
De lui appartenir 
Je l'aime à mourir 

Elle a dû faire toutes les guerres 
Pour être si forte aujourd'hui 
Elle a dû faire toutes les guerres 
De la vie, et l'amour aussi 

Moi je n'étais rien 
Et voilà qu'aujourd'hui 
Je suis le gardien 
Du sommeil de ses nuits 
Je l'aime à mourir 
Vous pouvez détruire 
Tout ce qu'il vous plaira 
Elle n'aura qu'à ouvrir 
L'espace de ses bras 
Pour tout reconstruire 
Pour tout reconstruire 
Je l'aime à mourir